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Below are the 4 most recent journal entries recorded in amo2g4's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, September 7th, 2004
11:19 pm
I need be okay now, and so I am forcing myself to be.
I need to crawl out of what I am feeling and thinking and contumpating, so I am going to.
I have no idea how, especially since I can't find anyone to help me.
I can't keep living moment to moment, so I am going to stop.
I need to reteach myself how to live again.
I need to go on walks
I need to paint pictures
I need to learn to react
I have to stop internalizing things.


write every thought inside my head, write everything i want to say and need to say,

I need to stop sleeping, I need to wake up and realize that each day is new
I need to find my smile.
I need to say these words to myself every single day,
for a million years if I have too
as long as it takes to be able to be okay, whatever okay means.
I'm going to be okay
I'm going to be okay

You'll See

Current Mood: determined
9:56 pm
Imagin a window
at the top of the stairs
Imagin climbing those stairs
and not getting anywhere
Imagin climbing so high that each thought melts into the next
and being so tired that you can't even sleep
Imagin what sleep is
when you sleep next to someone you love
it's no longer sleep, it's security
Imagin security when your the only one there
it's you alone, to frightened to be scared
Imagin how many days from now who will I be
will I still be loved and will everyone like what they see
Imagin wanting to look at no one but yourself
and breaking every mirror you come upon
Imagin taking a piece of mirror and keeping it for a rainy day
a day when you just can't stand pain
Imagin pain fadeing into sadness
sadness into despiration
despiration turns into perminent solutions

Then imagin being okay with change
Imagin being okay with distance
being okay with saying goodbye
Imagin smiling for the first time in years
I can imagin alot

Current Mood: contemplative
Monday, September 6th, 2004
9:56 pm
Thoughts in my heart
And then he looked into my eyes
they were empty
her heart was empty
she still felt everything to feel
the way blood drips from a fresh cut
the way pain became so numb
she was so numb
she wanted to be held
she wanted to hold
she needed his hold
a grasp can taste so sweet
addiction can be so sudden, so relentless, so endless
so faceless, so tasteless, so baseless,
it will always be there
he will always be there
they will always be there
dancing in the shadows
no longer in the light
everything felt so dangerous
dangerously in love
dangerously sick with lust
with touch
touch no longer there
tears flow like caramel rivers flowing until the end of time

can you still feel my touch
i can still taste your grasp
i think, i wait, i attempt to pray
for that day, that fateful day, you return to me
but will you return to me, am I still yours
will I taste your smile again and when
how long? Are you that strong
how long will you stay, will you fade away from me?
I can't do this thing called life without you hear with me.
Why can't I just know how you think, and why you tick, am I your game, your trick, do I make you sick, cause you make me sick, sick without you. I trust you,
will you spread your wings and fly, can I fly by your side, or do you have a bumpy ride in store,
how much will this hurt, if any.

Current Mood: lonely
8:56 pm
It is frustrating how much I hate it hear. As strange as it may sound, I would give my left arm to go back to the way things were. It is now that I realize that senior year was one of the best years of my life. No one cared about anything, everyone for the most part got along because for once people seemed to realize how much they cared about each other and how little time they have left with each other.

I walk through the halls of Santa Rosa Junior College and I see people that look like someone from our 2g4 class and I get so excited. I think I see Nick, I think I see Britney, Siera, Amanda, Sadie. I get so excited, then I realize that it's not them. I drive through Marin and expect to see my friends driving their cars. I drive by Drake and I expect to see Pat or Rich hassling Andrew M. or Andreas about leaving during tutural. It's frustrating. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, but I fell like I'm the only one who misses things this much.

Nothing up hear makes sense. No one knows me. It's very hard going from being a very big fish in a small pond to a tiny fish in a huge ocean. Drake and the people of Drake made me feel important. They made me feel special, now I feel like nothing. Whenever I recieve a call from someone, I get so excited and all I want to do is talk to them forever.

I know things will change, hopefully for the better. I'm just afraid everyone will forget what our senior year was, and what it ment, at least to me. I love everyone, and to whoever reads my first message, call me e-mail me, I want to hear from you. I love you all and I miss you.

Current Mood: nostalgic
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